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This is where the road separates
Those who have been there
And those who have not
Those who know
Drown in fresh air
In company
In shopping malls and parking lots
In circles of sympathizers
In the morning
At any given moment
In the middle of the night
Despite the love
Of those around me
I drown In the silence
Rain cloud hanging heavy
Above the traffic of my thoughts
Around my still pounding heart
I drown
In the silence
Permeating my womb ..

Oh July, how I dread thee...

So tomorrow starts a new month. July. J-U -L-Y. Oh how I dislike July. This month we should be celebrating Aydens 1st birthday but instead we are celebrating his first angelversary, as it is called, the anniversary of his death. I say "WE" like this is something I share with others, but not really. This is the pain I endure silently, internally, every now and then loudly, as my tears and screams are drowned by the water in the shower.
Our friends are celebrating the firsts of their firsts and although I have had the experience of my two sons it doesn't make it any less painful. Each child is a gift and a pleasure and an experience to be had. I am just not able to celebrate with them. Oh July how I wish you would just fly by, with the blink of an eye.
I plan on taking the last week of this month off. To celebrate Aydens day with my thoughts and maybe sending some balloons to heaven. I have found my tattoo. The permanent ink to be etched into my body and with every tear that flows to never ever forget...

AJ...

It amazes me that my little boy is about to be 4. He is growing up so fast. He is a very mature 4, with the desire to destroy whatever is in his path. He isn't mommy's little baby anymore he is turning into daddy's big boy. There is a time when they pull away a little and my heart aches just a little but I know he'll be back. They always need their mommy's. To keep them sensitive to the rough days of life. Maybe just for a smile or a hug or to clean a boo boo, maybe to even share a spoon of chocolate chip cookie dough. That is our favorite "US" time. He will be the best cookie maker ever. He knows everything that goes in and the order. He likes to smell it and then be my official taster. My days would be pretty boring if it weren't for my boys.

No better time than the present...

Today I decided to start a blog...

I don't know why really. Except that I have a story to tell. I have a need to share, to do something different. But yet I am hesitant to write. Hesitant to tell my story again. Yet I am not destined to be defined by this story. One day the words will come and there is no better time than the present...